Trader and Buddhist Monk

How often a day do we long for something?  We long for something to be different or to stay the same.  I often think we long most to simply want for nothing.  This is practically the definition of luxury:  to want for nothing.  When you imagine staying in an expensive

, luxurious hotel the image is of comfort — even that someone would come and ready your room for sleeping– turning down the covers, dimming the lights, drawing the drapes, putting on soft music.  Our greatest fantasy is that our needs and wants would be met even before we could imagine them.  Probably the first and last time we had this in any sort of pure form was in the womb. Some religions tell us that we can hope for the same in the afterlife.

For those of us with outrageously busy lives, the idea of doing nothing, being comfortable and free of longing is one of the most wonderful fantasies we could invent.  So, where to find this on Earth?  Buddhism tells us that longing is suffering and that study and meditation practice will help us cut this at the root.  But, are there other moments as well?  Perhaps those moments when we stop attending to our own wants and needs:  when we are in awe of something beautiful or touching, when something catches us by happy surprise, and moments of close attunement with another person or being such as a child, a partner or friend, or even a pet.  Let yourself be awed and suprised and allow yourself to enter into another’s world.  You might find at those moments that wanting and longing evaporate.

Gossip & rumors seem to spread in a non-linear fashion; running along tracks of relationships, connections and friendships. They pique our curiosity and give us the satisfaction of having information that others don’t. They live in the world of reinforcing feedback loops – the more gossip there is, the more you gossip. They momentarily increase the information and excitement – energy – of a system.

They are the neurotic aspect of healthy, connected spread of information in a community. For example, recently on campus, a staff member’s father died. We passed the information along carefully, mindful of its delicate but powerful nature. As a result, cards were sent, food was purchased, flowers arranged. The non-linear spread of information helped respect difficult information and help a community respond and bond.

The flip side is harmful gossip. When half-understood half-true information is spread in a dramatic way, it often leaves the hearer or the speaker feeling dismayed, furious or frightened. Sometimes we feel a momentary surge of power if we know that something has happened to someone else that makes us feel better about ourselves.

The Buddha reminds us that “divisive speech” and “idle gossip” – two of the non-virtues of speech, are harmful and to be avoided. When speech divides us from ourselves or from others, or if our intention in speaking is idle – without purpose to do good or share something important, we leave a wake of frayed connections and nerves.

In the end it is important to examine our intentions in spreading, listening to or responding to gossip.

Here are my suggestions for dealing with rumors in the workplace and in personal life:

• Even if it isn’t in our job description or responsibility to change something, giving feedback about how a situation impacts you is really important.
• Hold sacred the idea that the person you are hearing about has a reason for doing what they are doing -even if the gossip says otherwise. The gossip may be right or wrong but it honors the individual to offer the benefit of the doubt. If you don’t know their reason, don’t assume it, ask them.
• Keep your nose out of what isn’t your business. Some situations with others, can’t be discussed openly to protect privacy and be in line with the law or ethics. Don’t assume that because someone isn’t telling you it is because they are deviously hiding information.
• When you hear a rumor, ask yourself if you know it to be true. If not, send your “source” back to the source. If you hear something that concerns you, go to the source.
• When you feel rising anxiety about a change that is happening, or information you’re hearing, assume you’re not the only one. The anxiety is real but might not be necessary.
• When someone comes to you with a rumor or fear about something you’re involved with, take them seriously. Writing others off as “paranoid”, “out of the loop” or “dramatic” probably isn’t helpful. Someone might be exhibiting all of these things but assume it is because there is something very genuine for them to be afraid of. Address the process and the content with empathy. Hopefully you’ll get it back when something arises that makes you nervous.
• Inappropriate gossiping and rumors shouldn’t be fed. When someone comes to you with a rumor, try not to feed into it. If it is something that concerns you, look into it on your own.

Buckminster Fuller said this, gesturing to the idea that living entities seem to be a matter of “doing” not “being”.

A lingust and systems theorist was a guest lecturer on Thursday for the course I teach. He mentioned that he is wary of psychology because it focuses on the individual as an island when, he feels, people are constituded by the systems of their environment. Indeed, Johanna Macy in her book Mutual Causality in Buddhism and General Systems Theory: The Dharma of Natural Systems shows us how our “selves” are not at all solid but are constituted, in the moment, of the interaction of systems and environmental factors. Systems theorist Leon Brilloun compares living creatures to a flame. A flame takes in and puts out energy in order to remain a flame. The flame itself is an emergent property of the coming together of different systems. Our “selves” and bodies are the same. We are the expression of an energy exchange that results in a body and consciousness.

But, does psychotherapy really only focus on the individual? Do family systems and/or narrative therapy begin to address this by looking at a person in the context of their family or culture? How do we see a client in the context of systems and still help that person get to be as choiceful as they need to be? Could a mindfulness practice help as part of a way to recognize how we are constituted by the world around us, but at the same time can begin to make choices away from the struggle to reify the self and to move into yielding to change?

The Glorious Endless Knot (Sanskrit “Shrivatsa”; Tibetan “Dpal be’u”) is one of the Eight Auspicious Symbols in Tibetan Buddhism. It reminds us that all things are powerfully interconnected and of the Buddha’s limitless wisdom and compassion. All things are intertwined in a system so complex that we must just trust that all actions have consequences. However, the Knot also seems to remind us our actions and their consequences do not look like “A then B then C”. They follow a twisting path that inevitably comes back to us.